It was Monday night, I could feel a strange heaviness clouding my senses and mind. All of a sudden, all the colours around me started to dullen, the voices in my head became so cruel. They told me everything from how unlovable I am to how I actually don’t deserve this existence. I was losing control over my thoughts, I was ridden with fatigue and the deep hollowness became almost unbearable.

I broke into tears, sobbing uncontrollably. Holding my head and just praying that this all stops. I knew I was there again, in the darkness with my demons who have stolen most of my years. They kept telling me unkind things, instructing me to come back to them. They reminded me of all my past failures and how I should lose the grip and fall into the abyss. I knew what they were saying was untrue, I was much happier here in the sunlight. I didn’t want to stay isolated, in the dark, with grief.

My partner too was lost at how he can help and just offered me as much love and support as he could. He did not dismiss or shame my tears and through him I was finding the courage to do the same. Eventually, it was midnight, exhausted I just crashed in bed. Praying that tomorrow morning this stops.

I had an early morning meeting on Tuesday, I woke up, got dressed, and attended the meeting. All of this merely performative- inside I was numb, my head was aching and I wanted to crawl back in bed and disconnect. Just then- another voice emerged from the depth of my heart. It reassured me that even if I loosen the grip and fall into this depressive state, just like multiple times before, I will be able to come out of it.

It reminded me of all the times that I crawled my way back into sunlight, all the times that I let love in again and that this was not a war. I must not try so hard to escape because at the end of the day I will come back. The cruel voices will overtime realise that they can no longer hold me hostage, that I no longer believe in their truth and they will release me.

And so, with a deep breath, I cut the meeting short. Went home, got fresh and took a long long nap. This time I did not pray for it to be over, instead I prayed for courage and reassured myself that I will find my way irrespective.

The next two days, I mostly stayed in bed. Half functional, away from work and other responsibilities. I made brushing, taking a bath, and eating three meals a day my main priority. I reminded myself of love and courage every day and night. I reassured myself that it will be fine, I can miss a few days. That I will be loved regardless.

And then, Thursday, when I woke up. The colors became bright again, I could feel the warmth of the sunlight on my skin and I found myself finally smiling.

Depression, you are not my enemy. I know you come from time to time because you are in pain and there is just so much grief. I promise I will make space for you when you come. I will have my bed sheets crisp and clean, I will turn the dim lights on, I will free up my schedule just to hear you. To mourn with you. Because I don’t need to fear you, I need to stay with you when you come, mourn with you, and gently love you till you feel better.

This is not a war, you are loved.